Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Mixed Feelings
Its been a bit of a whirlwind week. Lots of highs and lows, im in the middle of a funk right now, what with going back to school hanging over my head and all. Sent Jeremy Pan off to tekong very recently, im wondering hows he doing. Then again, hes always been a good guy, he'll do just fine. After all, hes adaptable, and if all else fails, I know God wont let anything permanently damaging happen to one of His sons after all...Hes a good God. Im feeling a bit far away from some friends whom i hoped to get closer with. Somehow, i cant seem to get involved in ANYONE elses life...i think its just me. I mean, sure i got people like shawn and kenneth whom im deeply been twined together with. But somehow i just cant get into others like i got into those two. Sigh...and to think i finally met a girl i think i wanna spend the effort on to become her friend, not just some acquaintaince, but a good friend. Not her boyfriend or future husband...just a friend. But somehow i just CANT DO IT! Why?
Sigh...it really is most frustrating. Anyway, been swimming quite a bit these past few days, i think...(think) im putting on a BIT of muscle...=] heeheehee...ok, enough about me and my life. Im just here to rant, after all....haha
And still they look on in silence...
choosing not to go either way...
which in itself, is a choice
JEROME signs off
@10:22 AM.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Bad feelingsIts been a long week and I should be happy, considering that I got to spend today (Sunday) waking up late, missing church, going swimming, hanging out with a good friend. But I feel so...empty, sad, somehow. And i dont understand why. Sigh...
I mean, I realised that my best friend talks to someone else that much easier than he does to me. Why that should be so I can understand. But it just feels...sad. So much. I guess. I wonder if im becoming more sensitive these days? What is wrong with me anyway? Why am i becoming so...soft? in that sense. Sigh...sadness...sadness...>.<
The rest later...
Who cares how old it is anyway?
JEROME signs off
@9:40 AM.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
State Of Mind
Im sad...I think
I think people are ignoring me...
Its not good. Its adding to my sadness...
Im thinking of not going back...
Too many sad faces...
Too many disappointed faces...
All turning away from me...
Im no longer wanted or welcome there...
Yes...I think i'll just leave quietly...
At least I wont be missed badly by many...
If any at all...
And now the Silence has started to move,
Pulling him down under...
The rest shall never come anymore...
JEROME signs off
@8:19 AM.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Insane
Hello there...its been a while since i blogged. =X I wonder why i keep this thing up at all anyway?
Ok, enough of that. Heres some news...IM BEING DRIVEN CRAZY!!!
By this extremely beautiful and attractive young lady called G_____.
Ok...heres how it all started...
I was invited to join this MLM company called (blank) *no naming companies here!!* by my friend Wai Dek....and i agreed to come down and have a look. Then...i was introduced to his upline, his JC-ex classmate...(as mentioned earlier). And she was SUPER friendly...i really liked her approach and all. And then i realised that i was falling asleep with my eyes wide open as she was talking...i figured it was just fatigue and all. but then i realised...it was her eyes that so mesmerised me. That and her speech...it was like a moth being drawn irristably to flame...i was so...dazed. Its like nothing I experienced before....im seriously going crazy. And the touch of her hand...she kept patting my leg!! It was'nt uncomfortable or anything like that..if anything it was the exact opposite...it was driving me wild. With desire, not passion or love, im willing to admit. That was why i asked to be excused for a while, claiming i needed the toilet. I had to get away from the one thing that was making me lose control of the iron band i had placed over my desires and heart. She is the one thing that could possibly make me break my oath to myself to never let myself like or love another girl in the BGR sense again. At least till the army is behind me. You know...? When she was sitting next to me in the session I was attending tonight, I was...I felt like I was suffocating. Literally. And when she was messaging so much, I got curious and sneaked a look at her message. Looked into the front of her dress by accident too, my heart nearly stopped. I looked at her handphone screen (it was damm near the neckline of her dress, too) and I saw part of her message saying that she was messaging her boyfriend and the bottom of my stomach felt like it just dropped out and got filled with lead instead. sigh...I know im not in love or anything. Although im close to some VERY strong desires atm. And whats more, I have to deal with her on such a constant basis...considering that I'm joining the company and all. She's my upline afterall...haha. >.<
Soldier Of Fortune (Deep Purple)
I have often told the stories above the way
I've lived the life of a drifter, waiting for the day
When i take your hand and sing your song
and maybe you would say:
come lay with me and love me
and i would surely stay
but i feel im getting older...
and the songs that i have sung
echo in the distance
like the sound...of a windmill going round...
guess i'll always be a Soldier of Fortune
Many time i been a traveller and i look for something new...
days of old and nights of cold, i wandered without you
those days've fogged my eyes n see you standing here.
though blindness is confusing, it shows that your not here
now i feel im growing older...
and the songs that i have sung.
echo in the distance...
like the sound...of a windmill going round...
guess i'll always be a soldier of fortune
i can hear a sound, of a windmill going round...
guess i'll always be a soldier of fortune...
guess i'll always be....a soldier of fortune...
Ahh...this song...how i do like it so...
sounds quite right for myself...sad, mellow, alone. wishing he can stop walking around aimlessly. its sad, perhaps, but that does not make it any less true.
Haha...and maybe if the Lord will permit, he will be able to get a good girlfriend...someone like the above mentioned G_____...=P
And still the Silence is within him...
Awaiting the right time to bring him under
And when all is said and done,
Nothing will have been accomplished.
The rest later...
19 Years, 5 months and 26 days.
JEROME signs off
@10:17 AM.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Bad news
Hello there reader...bad news this time.
Ah well...its my 2nd week of attachment and my immediate supervisor is being transferred to another yard already. Sad man...Loh is going to Gul yard...and some guy i've never met before is coming in to take over him. Sigh...seriously sucks man...
End of today's sadness
Yesterday after work i went to meet Amy, a friend of mine for dinner. When i got home, i showered and used my comp. When she got home, we talked for a while...then she asked where i went for dinner. I dont enjoy talking about things once its over if it was a good thing. and i definitely enjoyed the dinner. No romance, but its always nice to just hang out with a friend. Anyway, i asked her...so why do you wanna know where i went for dinner? Then...she just blew up...shouting things like..."SO YOU THINK U GROW UP NO NEED TO TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE LA?!?!?! OK, THEN I WONT ASK EVER AGAIN! sO YOU WANT ME TO IGNORE YOU? OK...THAT CAN BE DONE!" Now shes ignoring me...oh y7a...and one more thing she said that made me seriously pissed about her att towards me..."EVEN YOU ARE GROWN UP AND MARRIED, YOU'LL STILL BE UNDER MY THUMB!" fuck this shit. i aint never going to be under nobody's thumb for the rest of my life....by saying this kind of thing, shes saying that im going to be dependent on her for the rest of my life?!?!? fuck this shit! If even God, the ALMIGHTY does not try to control me or my life to that extent, then who or what gives YOU the FUCKING RIGHTS to do so? hmm? answer me that!
"If you love something, let it go
If it returns, you can keep it,
If it does does not, it was never meant to be"
Seriously, fucked up attitude.
The rest later....
JEROME signs off
@4:39 AM.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Last Days
You know, its been so long since i blogged, i almost forgot what it was like. Guess i'll be back now...
Today was the last day of my MSTs in sem2 of DMR year 2. Im already feeling like shit cos i didnt do too well. When i come home, what do i get? A mother who worries too much, to the point that it seems (to me) that she has absolutely NO faith in my education. None whatsoever.
It really is a rather shitty feeling.
Ok, so thats that.
Now, abit later in the afternoon, i decided to fiddle with my PsP. I was so engrossed in what i was doing, that when mum talked to me, i was apparently "disrespecting Her as a mother". I remember she suddenly started shouting and asking to take away everything i have; bank account, bike, life.
ALL BECAUSE I "DISRESPECTED" HER!
I dont even know what i said or did, and she just blew up at me and brought out her biggest guns, the ever so fucked-up words: "you dont want me to care right? good, so now i WONT CARE!" Fuck you mum. Why'd you always have to use that particular line, knowing it hurts me the most. WHY?!?!?!?!?
And most of the time, i dont even understand why shes scolding me. Why shes doing this kind of thing to me? WHYWHYWHY?!?!?!!? I certainly dont think that i did disrespect her intentionally, but she blows up at absolutely NOTHING!
WHY?!
Anyway, most of the times that i DO give in and apologise (even when i feel it aint my fault), is just cause i care and respect her and im willing to swollow my pride (not an easy feat for a guy). But you know whats the worst thing? I dont fight back, and now, she thinks that EVERYTIME we have a fight, i WILL apologise cos its always MY fault. And i dont think im being rebellious or trying to be independent (to the point of breaking off). the only reason i dont fight back and only defend my position is cos i love and respect her too much to tell her to "GO FUCK YOURSELF".
Tell me, how am i supposed to feel about this? Im sick with a fever, im miserable cos of my papers, and now im having my heart broken by the same woman who ALWAYS does it. My mum. You know, i really want to just lash out at something, ANYTHING right now, even though im sick and feeling rather weak.
Now what do i do? She dont care anymore. The central person in my life is gone and replaced with a cold, unreasonable person.
The frustration and sadness of it makes me want to run and cry, but i dont, cos guys aint supposed to. So i do it inside. Im actually screaming and crying in misery right now. Inside, of course.Probably the only sign you will see is that im really lethargic and flares up VERY quickly. Im just so fucking miserable right now.
Im so sick and tired of it.
You wanna talk to me about God? Jesus? Go fuck yourself. Whats He done to get me out of this kind of fucked-up situations? Why is He allowing mum to torment me like this? This is worse than beatings, at least during beatings they can break your body but not your spirit. This is breaking your mind and spirit. And i've had enough of it! Im going to push back. REALLY HARD. But at the same time, i was taught, never raise your fists or voice against a lady. Its not right. So i cant.
The main problem comes down to this : I love my mum, and she always uses that love against me.
And im so sick and tired of it.
Everytime, i just dont understand why she blows up and starts yelling at me. And she expects me to apologise just to get things back to normal. Why's she such a heavy-handed bitch?
the rest later.
Jerome Yam. In great hatred and misery.
18 years, 0 months, 10 days
And still they do nothing but look on in silence.....
JEROME signs off
@4:26 AM.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
yo
ANGEZ HERE!
when are you celebrating your bday, lil boy!
JEROME signs off
@5:47 AM.
