Friday, December 5, 2008
Last Days
You know, its been so long since i blogged, i almost forgot what it was like. Guess i'll be back now...
Today was the last day of my MSTs in sem2 of DMR year 2. Im already feeling like shit cos i didnt do too well. When i come home, what do i get? A mother who worries too much, to the point that it seems (to me) that she has absolutely NO faith in my education. None whatsoever.
It really is a rather shitty feeling.
Ok, so thats that.
Now, abit later in the afternoon, i decided to fiddle with my PsP. I was so engrossed in what i was doing, that when mum talked to me, i was apparently "disrespecting Her as a mother". I remember she suddenly started shouting and asking to take away everything i have; bank account, bike, life.
ALL BECAUSE I "DISRESPECTED" HER!
I dont even know what i said or did, and she just blew up at me and brought out her biggest guns, the ever so fucked-up words: "you dont want me to care right? good, so now i WONT CARE!" Fuck you mum. Why'd you always have to use that particular line, knowing it hurts me the most. WHY?!?!?!?!?
And most of the time, i dont even understand why shes scolding me. Why shes doing this kind of thing to me? WHYWHYWHY?!?!?!!? I certainly dont think that i did disrespect her intentionally, but she blows up at absolutely NOTHING!
WHY?!
Anyway, most of the times that i DO give in and apologise (even when i feel it aint my fault), is just cause i care and respect her and im willing to swollow my pride (not an easy feat for a guy). But you know whats the worst thing? I dont fight back, and now, she thinks that EVERYTIME we have a fight, i WILL apologise cos its always MY fault. And i dont think im being rebellious or trying to be independent (to the point of breaking off). the only reason i dont fight back and only defend my position is cos i love and respect her too much to tell her to "GO FUCK YOURSELF".
Tell me, how am i supposed to feel about this? Im sick with a fever, im miserable cos of my papers, and now im having my heart broken by the same woman who ALWAYS does it. My mum. You know, i really want to just lash out at something, ANYTHING right now, even though im sick and feeling rather weak.
Now what do i do? She dont care anymore. The central person in my life is gone and replaced with a cold, unreasonable person.
The frustration and sadness of it makes me want to run and cry, but i dont, cos guys aint supposed to. So i do it inside. Im actually screaming and crying in misery right now. Inside, of course.Probably the only sign you will see is that im really lethargic and flares up VERY quickly. Im just so fucking miserable right now.
Im so sick and tired of it.
You wanna talk to me about God? Jesus? Go fuck yourself. Whats He done to get me out of this kind of fucked-up situations? Why is He allowing mum to torment me like this? This is worse than beatings, at least during beatings they can break your body but not your spirit. This is breaking your mind and spirit. And i've had enough of it! Im going to push back. REALLY HARD. But at the same time, i was taught, never raise your fists or voice against a lady. Its not right. So i cant.
The main problem comes down to this : I love my mum, and she always uses that love against me.
And im so sick and tired of it.
Everytime, i just dont understand why she blows up and starts yelling at me. And she expects me to apologise just to get things back to normal. Why's she such a heavy-handed bitch?
the rest later.
Jerome Yam. In great hatred and misery.
18 years, 0 months, 10 days
And still they do nothing but look on in silence.....
JEROME signs off
@4:26 AM.
